It’s All Chemical

This is the first time I’ve blogged this year. Things have changed. A lot.

The start of the new year saw us move home. That was totally stressful and took an age. Baby Bird has started a new nursery which is actually going really well. She’s in her element there and we’re very pleased with her progress. We call her Little Miss Chatterbox these days as she never shuts up. That’s not a bad thing at all despite the way I phrased that!

The final thing is that we have started trying for baby number two.

This hasn’t been an easy decision for me as I still feel like I need to lose the weight from the first pregnancy before piling on weight from another one. I’m trying my hardest with the weight loss but it’s difficult. I do really well for a week or two and then fall off the wagon. I’m back on the wagon at the moment doing the Special K eating plan for 2 weeks and then calorie counting for the next 2 before repeating the cycle again. I’ve only just started this so we’ll see how it goes.

We’ve just entered our 4th cycle of trying to conceive following a chemical pregnancy. That was devastating.

On Sunday 13th April after feeling ill, crampy and having cravings for Pepsi Max, I decided to take a pregnancy test using one of the First Response Early Results. The ones that say you can test upto 6 days before a missed period. I wasn’t surprised to see a faint 2nd line on the test indicating that I was indeed pregnant.

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I came downstairs and said to the husband ‘I think we might be pregnant’. He had a look at the test and could see a faint line also, gave me a hug and a kiss and we were elated. The following day I tested again with the same brand of test and whilst the line was no darker, it was certainly positive and I then used a Clearblue Digital. This came back ‘Not Pregnant’. I was a little deflated but knew that these were not as sensitive as the First Response Early Result tests so tried to put it at the back of mind and try again in a few days.

That didn’t go so well.

I had a really bad feeling that this pregnancy was going to disappear. I’d heard so many stories of chemical pregnancies on the trying to conceive forums I visit and thought I bet this is what’s happening to me. On Tuesday 15th April, I tested with a First Response Early Result testΒ and a Superdrug test. Again, the lines were there but no darker than the ones I had taken days before them. One could even argue that the first First Response Early Result test I took on the Sunday was darker than the one on the Tuesday.

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I was really starting to worry. I just knew something wasn’t right. On Wednesday, I felt really ill. I was having stomach cramps, a bad headache and felt dizzy. That afternoon I started spotting. I tested when I got home from work that afternoon with a First Response Early Result and nothing. Barely a line.

This confirmed my worst fear. This was a chemical pregnancy.

The start of a new cycle began on Friday and all symptoms of pregnancy have now completely disappeared.

I don’t think I will ever test before my period is due again as this has been soul destroying.

2.4 Children A Thing Of The Past

My husband is definitely the more broodier out of the two of us. He has always wanted children and would have quite happily have concentrated on starting a family rather than getting married. However, given that I am the one to carry them and birth them, my wish to be married before starting a family won. Of course.

The baby bird is almost 15 months old and my husband desires a relatively small age gap, no more than 3 years. My mind changes daily. When someone announces a pregnancy or birth, I instantly feel jealous. However, I just don’t feel ready and most of the time, I feel as though I’d be more than happy to stay as a little family of three. My husband has been hinting for months now and I’ve suggesting maybe trying in the New Year to have a 2.5 year age gap if we were successful quite quickly but like I said, I change my mind ALL the time.

I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant. It’s not there was anything particularly awful about it, I just didn’t enjoy it. I worked full-time right up until my due date. The labour was long, painful and tiring. I don’t ever want to do that again and I used hypno-birthing. The baby blues were the lowest I have ever felt in my life. The disappointment of failing at breastfeeding is one that still gets to me now. The sleep deprivation is hard but even worse when having work to go to every week day. And childcare costs. Well, to live a comfortable life, the way we do now, we just couldn’t afford another child.

Apparently, half of the families in England have only 1 child due to not being able to afford any more. The well known 2.4 children per household statistic has now been replaced with 1.7.

I quite like the idea of putting all my love, attention and being into my daughter without struggling to get the balance right between her and any siblings. I already only see her for a couple of hours every week day due to work so I really don’t want to divide that small amount of time any more.

Now if I could stay at home with the kids, I’d happily have more!

Toothy Peg Trauma

Sleep-wise, baby bird’s sleep has been much better this week. Thank heavens. Another week like last week and I’m pretty sure I would have died. Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic but you know the feeling. Like you’re dead on your feet and running on empty.

I’m putting that fiasco down to teeth. They are the root of all evil for these babies/ toddlers and parents. It looks like the molars cut through one side and then leave it a couple of weeks before the other side starts to cut through. How sneaky.

She has been so cuddly and snuggly these past few days. She’s had a runny nose and easily upset. All of these are tell-tale signs in our house of impending teeth. Low and behold, tonight, I have noticed one of her canine teeth starting to come to the surface. This will make toothy peg thirteen.

Baby Bird snuggles with Mama Bird

Snuggles with Baby Bird

Yep, that is The Baby Whisperer book in the background of our snuggle picture. It was a godsend in the newborn days and I still like to refer back to it every now and again for some ideas on dealing with tantrums, hitting people and 3am wake up calls!

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These Boots Were Made For Walking

For months now, baby bird has been discovering her little legs. It’s been an absolute joy to watch. She’s so lazy though. I’m pretty sure she’s been able to walk for quite some time but of course, it’s had to be on her own terms. Every now and then, I’d catch her standing or taking some steps but as soon as she clocked me watching, suddenly she’d sit back down as if she couldn’t do it. The monkey!

I really don’t like Mondays. I suffer with what I call the ‘Sunday Night Jitters’Β so I’m usually tired and down in the dumps. However today has been great. I’ve not managed to catch up from the hell that was last week but I had my flexible working request approved. Then to top it off, when we got baby bird home tonight, she was walking CONSTANTLY.

She’s growing up.

Mama Insomniac

Why is it when baby bird sleeps through the night, I can’t? She’s always been a fab sleeper. We fell very lucky that way but she always struggles with her teeth. She has had her first three molars cut through in the past month and the fourth one just these past few days. Her sleep has been terrible. Most nights, Roo and I have been lucky to get three to four straight hours a night. It couldn’t have come at a worser time either as work has been really manic.

I’m not entirely sure why I put up with the things I do at work. I guess it’s because they are paying me a good wage but it doesn’t come without stress. This week I have been barely able to keep my head above water with the amount of work I have had to get done. I’m extremely behind in my own job as I’ve been having to cover the absences of two other people. I’ve made a shedload of mistakes. I guess that’s what happens on little sleep and too much work.

It’s really been playing on my mind tonight. It took me ages to get to sleep. Then I couldn’t stay asleep. The best thing to do seemed to be to just get up and take my mind off of it. I know I’m clearly still thinking about as I’m writing about it now. Maybe I’m hoping that once I’ve wrote it, it’s out of my head and I can relax. It is the flipping weekend afterall and my family deserve the best of me, not the preoccupied, stressful me.

So any tips on leaving work at work would be greatly appreciated.

We are selling our house and have a viewing this afternoon. The house is a mess so I need to become domestic goddess first thing. Joy.